a friend and fellow pastor, liz milner, recently completed an internship at a local jail and the experience stretched her faith a lot. as i read her personal evaluation, i felt encouraged to see people in a different way, to believe that jesus is present even when our world feels like it is falling apart, and to face my fears with more courage. i have copied her evaluation below.
Over the course of the summer, I found myself sitting in front of a woman who had been raped before she came to jail, about to be released into exactly the same environment from which she had come, and terrified of what awaited her. I could not change the situation. I could not guarantee her safety or a place to stay. I could not tell her she would not be raped again. Was it enough to listen to her story and pray for God’s love to reach her and for her to feel His comfort and protection? Would this change what might be about to happen to her? I will never know and this forces me to move towards a deeper faith than I have known before.
I found myself in the acute psychiatric ward at the main jail, listening to a very ill woman weep and wail that all she wanted was her mama and to go home and that she didn’t understand why she was here. I found myself moved at first, then frustrated as her hysteria spiraled upwards the more I said and tried to show compassion. Was I doing any good? Would this make any difference? As we walked out of the unit an officer walked over and yelled at her to be quiet or she wouldn’t be allowed out of her cell that night. She became quiet. Is compassion helpful? Do I know enough to help not harm these very ill and suffering people?
As a result of these experiences and many others like them, I have come to the conclusion that the assumptions I have about what successful ministry looks like may not be what God sees as successful ministry. Success in the kingdom of God is not measured in the same way as success in human endeavors. Whereas I have assumed that my ministry is blessed when I see people move forward and make improvements in their life, I wonder if God sees successful ministry when people are loved no matter where they are and whether they progress or not. Whereas I have assumed that my ministry is successful when I alleviate the suffering in the world, I wonder if God sees successful ministry when I enter into and listen without turning away or trying to make better the worst suffering that someone has experienced. Whereas I have assumed that successful ministry makes me feel more empowered and fulfilled I wonder if God sees successful ministry when I feel weak and powerless. Matthew 25 tells me that when we visit prisoners we visit Jesus. In this case Jesus is in pain, vulnerable, weak, guilty and alone. This is uncomfortable to me, but if Jesus can be there, then maybe Jesus can be with me at my weakest, most vulnerable and guilty moments
During the term of my internship I worked closely with Louann Roberts, the facility chaplain at CCW and also with Dave Robinson, facility chaplain at Elmwood men’s jail and director of CIC (Correctional Institutes Chaplaincy), and Evelyn Vigil the facility chaplain at the main jail in San Jose. I was supervised directly by Louann, and often met together with her, Dave and Dan, another Fuller intern, based at Elmwood men’s jail. Working with these staff members was one of the most rewarding aspects of this internship. I felt both valued and very blessed to be able to spend time with such experienced, dedicated and gifted professionals, who have been in jail chaplaincy work for many, many years. They were very available at all times, to process issues arising as well as answer the multitude of questions I had every day. They spent hours talking through interactions I had with the inmates, giving perspective and encouragement. As well as advising, they challenged me, especially to venture into situations and opportunities I had not experienced before. Dave and Louann very much wanted me to have an opportunity to pursue ministering in situations that I would not encounter as a volunteer, and so gave me the opportunity to preach one Sunday at chapel service in the men’s facility. I had never spent time in this facility before, and did not know what to expect from the men. I have also never spoken in a group of only men before. The men were of diverse backgrounds, races, ages and faiths. I would never have chosen to go into a situation like this based on if I felt comfortable, but Louann and Dave encouraged me to try, and Louann came and sat at the back while I spoke. The service and sermon went very well, and I discovered that these male inmates were fully and simply just people, children of God, whom I can relate to because I too am a child of God. They encouraged me to push the limits of my ministry into areas I felt uncomfortable in, and I discovered I was able to find God there and enjoy the fellowship of the inmates. I grew in confidence by participating in a situation I never thought I could relate to. The chaplains communicated with me very honestly, challenging me to change my methods of interactions with the inmates when they felt it was helpful, pushing me to try new things and examine my own reactions and prejudices as they arose.
One of the women I got to know best was J. She is housed in the sub-acute mental health unit in the women’s jail, accused of attempted murder, child endangerment, arson and poisoning. She has been a part of the jail system for many, many years, and has very little hope of ever being released. When I first met her I was intimidated. She was very disturbed, agitated and the best word I could find to describe her was “spooky”. Although I was reluctant to return and visit her again, the chaplains encouraged me to try and gave me many suggestions on what to say, and not say, in order to connect with her. As I re-engaged with her and sat down with her for multiple, longer one-one sessions, we gained trust with each other and she opened up about painful situations and relationships in her life. She is still very ill and her erratic thought processes and bizarre behaviors still surprise me and make it hard for me to know how to helpfully respond. However, even though this woman was in a situation I am highly unlikely to ever come close to, and is suffering from severe mental illness, she engaged me in a discussion about the book of Job, and the questions that arose for her as she read it: “Why does God let Job suffer so badly? Why does he let Satan loose? Why does God not stop this?” I felt challenged and touched by her questions and thoughtful responses to Scripture, and we prayed together about the issues that arose for her as a result of her reading. We shared jokes together and tears and very intense stories as well as light conversations about her favorite foods and books. I am so thankful for the opportunity to engage with someone like J, who I would never come across in the course of my daily life as a mother and pastor in Palo Alto. There are few people in the course of my role as a pastor, with whom I have shared such vulnerable stories and questions, and I am grateful for that.
I would very much like to continue to work in correctional facility ministry, and I hope to continue to as a volunteer. This ministry challenges me to believe that Jesus can be present, active and powerful to comfort and heal in the most appalling circumstances and deepest suffering. I repeatedly found myself energized and encouraged by the faith of women who had no hope of ever getting out of the prison system. I discovered that when people reach out to God, when parted from their children, loved ones and lives, they can find strength to keep going. This humbled me as I find myself irritated and despondent over the very mundane frustrations of day-day life. I want to be stretched more, and I want to engage with the community of marginalized and suffering people, who seem to have a lot to teach me about faith and persistence. I anticipate pursuing ministry of this type in the future and I also long to help bridge the gap between the church and the jail. If our churches are not places where ex-inmates can feel welcome and find relevant connection with the Christian faith, then I believe we are not representing Jesus as He asked us to. This internship has inspired me to continue to pursue how we as a church can effectively integrate this community into our midst, for their sake and ours. I believe the church cannot fully reflect Jesus unless we include and integrate the marginalized. The church will be transformed as we press into this. I am hoping to initiate and develop this ministry in the church I currently serve as associate pastor in over the next year, working closely with our existing jail ministry and CIC. I sincerely hope that the lessons I learned in jail can be ones I can bring into my ministry at church and share with others. I feel like I have received a gift from this time as an intern, and I am profoundly grateful for it."
great job, liz!
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